“When the Gales of November Come Early”

By Mickie Zada

The ocean is churning, winds are howling, lightning flashes, waves are crashing under myriad shades of gray clouds hurling across the sky.

Yep, and that’s all happening inside our heads.

The gales of November often come early when we dread the holiday season. “It’s here! It’s here!” that voice in our minds is yelling, like a warning, way before Thanksgiving week.

Then most of us automatically shift into Over-extend Mode. We over-plan, over-buy, over-commit, over-stress.

Why?

Generally, because of Programmed Lessons that reside in our heads. “Shoulds” that we inherited from our Moms, grandmas, teachers… we should cook a perfect turkey dinner, we should attend every party to which we’re invited (you don’t want to miss anything!), we should buy gifts for all our relatives, WE should be sure everyone has everything they want and need. Lots of pressure, isn’t it?

Now that you no longer live with your ex, since you left that abusive relationship, some “shoulds” are reduced or eliminated…some are even stronger.

Guilt, for one, is probably extremely strong. The “shoulds” (the gale winds of November!) that include happy family gatherings, joyful time together, a gift laden floor underneath the perfect tree…those images, those shoulds, are not good. Most of the time, they create guilt.

The great thing is that we have the choice to change those “shoulds”, the Programmed Lessons…we have the choice to let them go.

First of all, it’s highly unlikely that even our childhood Christmases were as lovely and joyful as we choose to recall. When I decided to fully investigate my Programmed Lessons, I realized mine were not what I remembered. Yet, I hung onto the fake memories for years.

One Moment was wonder-full, not the entire day. We remember seconds, not even hours. Pay attention…you remember opening that one gift that you hoped to get…you don’t remember more of the day, do you? That short memory warms your heart and you choose to transfer it to every holiday. That’s how it works.

We remember good moments…or horrible dangerous moments. We don’t remember entire days.

That’s human nature, I’ve discovered. It’s how we are programmed.

In creating our lives after abuse, letting go of fake memories is a tremendous gift to ourselves: look our fake memories in the eye and let them go. In doing so, we are re-programming our Programmed Lessons. That’s true of all fake memories, not just the ones we’ve created around the holidays (for instance, the excuses we made for our abusers). We are creating our new reality, our own authentic lives.

Sometimes we set ourselves up for hurt feelings, unhappy evenings, overeating to reduce the stress and anger. How? By “remembering” our Programmed Lessons.

Are you ready to stop that? Are you prepared to let go of those lessons that no longer serve who you are today?

It’s simple to do…but not necessarily easy.

Changing and releasing old Programmed Lessons requires:

**Paying attention to them when they pop up

**Pause, take a moment to question whether that lesson still applies to you; does it fit with who you are today?

**Choose to replace that old worn-out lesson with a new one

**Determine a new action

**Let yourself feel your joy and satisfaction when you will be taking the new action

**Smile, reaffirm in your mind what you’ve decided

**Take the new action

**Smile and embrace how good you feel with your new thought and action, until the old lesson is gone and is solidly replaced by the new one

See? Simple but not easy. Our brains are huge computers that have been programed over the years by others. Some programs are still useful and viable. Many are not. You get to choose the ones you keep and the ones you discard.

If your programmed Lessons are keeping you in victimhood, let ’em go. If they support the survivor that you are, embrace those and keep on going!

Identifying and changing Programmed Lessons is a process well worth the time and effort.

When the gales of November begin storming through your mind, press the pause button. Pay attention to what is really going on and choose to change those programs (memories, emotions, “shoulds”) that you don’t need anymore.

Pause.

Between stimulus (what you think) and response (the emotion and action created) there is a moment in which you are able to make any change you want. You don’t have to re-act (do the same thing over and over). So don’t.

Say “no” more often. If you don’t want to attend a family dinner where your ex will be present, don’t go. Create a fun new tradition: Go to a friend or relative’s home out of state for the holiday or to a resort on a warm island in the Caribbean/a ski resort in the mountains. Take your adult kids if you can afford that luxury.

When the gales of November strike your mind, pause and re-set your sails!