Think it Through; Choose Your Life
How foreign does that sound…Choose Your Life?
“What the heck are you talking about, Mickie??!!”
Are you thinking, “I work 50 hours a week, I am active in community projects, I do all the yard and house work, plus laundry. I also make sure everything is ideal for my family and husband, pay close attention to his moods and energy, and I spend a lot of time being very quiet when I have to. I exert a lot of energy hiding the reality of the life I live. Choose my life???”
As difficult as it is to accept, each of us creates our own life.
There’s that dreaded “R” word, Responsibility.
The life you are living now is your choice.
Here’s the Truth. You have the choice to stay or to leave. There are valid reasons for both! Just don’t play headgames about your choice. Stay or leave after having thought through and honestly considered the realities of each option: to stay or to leave.
It just was revealed to me through a podcast inverview with a survivor of domestic abuse that there is one very good reason to stay in abuse. It’s a reason that had not previously occurred to me.
When we leave, our children are frequently court-ordered to spend time…alone…with their Dad (with the abuser!), for weekends, holidays, summer vacation.
If we choose to stay, we have the opportunity to never leave them alone with him. That is a huge consideration!
Is that a valid reason for you to stay? I did not leave my abuser until our son was grown. I’ve always said that is my greatest regret. I hadn’t thought that option through; maybe staying was the best option for my son.
I know I often felt trapped. I frequently thought, “Yes, he’s mean sometimes, but I feel obligated to stay with him, to be sure he takes care of himself, takes his meds, eats good meals. OH!, he has no friends. How will he survive if I leave?”
In my opinion, none of those are valid reasons to stay with an abuser. You can’t change his life; no matter how much you love him or how hard you try.
But, do you want your kids to spend time alone with that person?
It’s a bitch of a consideration and decision.
I get it.
No matter how abusive he can be, he’s also apologetic, sometimes caring and loving. You still think he’s darn good looking. And, how in the world could you make it on your own financially?
Listen carefully: If you think those things, you are living HIS life, not yours.
Which reasons to stay are valid?
“Yeah but, my life overall is pretty good”; “Yeah but, I really like this house and I couldn’t afford to drive as nice a car as I do now”; “Yeah but, my friends and family would be shocked and disappointed if I left”…yeah, but….yeah but.
It’s time to get off the Island of Yeah But. It’s keeping you stuck in an unsafe and substantially unhappy place, if those are your reasons to stay.
I know it’s difficult to walk away from a big house, a nice car, a solid financial position. Honestly, those are not security, they are traps.
Stay or leave. It’s your choice. Be sure your decision is founded on good, strong reality. Fear of being unable to make it on your own is not a good reason.
I’m going to suggest the Ben Franklin process: get a piece of paper and fold it vertically down the middle. On the left write “Pros” on the right write “Cons”. List all the good things about your life (Pros) , and all the bad things (Cons).
This will only work if you’re honest with yourself. And, it’s OK to take days or weeks to work on the list. As one of my mentors tells me, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I invite you to go to my web site www.SurvivingAbuseNetwork.com. You can click on podcasts and listen to other women talk about moving from where they were to Who they are…and beyond. There are live videos to watch and blog posts to read.
Choose today to take a baby step: Choose Your Life based on reality. The process requires strength. Your decision will be the best one for Y.O.U. You don’t have to defend it to anyone.
If you decide to stay, that decision will be made from a position of power and strength and response, not fear or re-action. You are amazing! You are confident! You are taking control of your life!
