The Positive Thinking Lie

By Mickie Zada

What have you “wanted” to do that hasn’t been accomplished?

What keeps you awake at night, beating yourself up in your mind, because you didn’t do it?

For those of us who have lived in domestic abuse, one of the things that keeps us “stuck” is not taking real steps toward being ourselves…banishing those old voices in our heads (his voice and our own!) that tell us we aren’t good enough, not capable, can’t make it without him. Right?

Well, those voices and their messages are not correct. More importantly, “positive thoughts” to counter-act them are not going to change anything either.

That is the positive thinking lie.

Positive thoughts don’t change a thing…if they bring up fearful emotion. There’s the caveat!! What emotion is created by your “positive thoughts”?

Here’s an example: You’ve been out of abuse for a while now. Your thought is, “It’s time for me to start putting money in a vacation account so I can finally go visit my sister in Italy.”

Which is your emotional response?

· Put money in a vacation account? Are you crazy???!!! He was right, I am irresponsible…I can’t handle money well. I do make poor decisions. How could I ever take the time to really go to Italy. It’s dangerous there, anyway. I could get lost and I don’t know the language. What if something happens to my car…what if the refrigerator stops working; I would have spent the repair money frivolously. Italy vacation??? NO WAY!

· Put money in a vacation account? Hmmmmm….I’d love to finally go to Italy! I could plan the trip next summer! I heard about a free language course online that celebrities are using to learn a new language in a few weeks; I’m checking that out! It would be so much fun to surprise my sister at the airport being able to speak a little bit of Italian! She says Italian shoes are the best! Maybe I could save a little extra to splurge on a pair…gotta check my passport, make sure it’s up to date! I am going to Italy!!

See the difference? Same “positive thought”: “It’s time for me to start putting money in a vacation account so I can finally go visit my sister in Italy.” Very different emotional responses! The first is listening to those old voices; it’s fear based. The second is embracing something new, over-riding the fear; it’s love and joy based.

Bottom line is that there are only two emotional responses, fear based and love based. All the other emotions fall underneath those two headings. Anger, frustration, depression, anxiety…they are all fear based. Joy, excitement, lots of smiles, happiness…they are all love based.

When we leave abuse, we are emotionally shattered. Our new thoughts may be “positive” but our emotions are mostly still fear based. When that happens, we lay awake at night beating ourselves up for not accomplishing more for ourselves. (We are still allowing our abuser to control us. That’s my theory!)

Now it’s your turn. What have you been thinking “positively” about, but your underlying emotion is fear?

Nothing is going to change when fear is at the foundation.

That’s the positive thinking lie. Positive thinking changes nothing. Positive emotions change everything.

Who is in charge of our emotions, our attitudes? We are! So, stop undermining your dreams, your goals, your Self.

Become aware of your emotions… that one action will change your life! Simply being aware of how often fear undermines your positive thoughts will change your life!

When you hear that old comrade Fear talking to you in your mind, change your thought and your emotion. Tell fear to take a hike, because you are going to Italy!