The Key to Surviving Domestic Abuse: Personal Growth

By Mickie Zada

How many times does it have to happen? We search and search for answers in our lives, the lessons in our experiences. Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, we realize “It” was right in front of us. “It” had become such a pillar in our lives we didn’t even notice the power of its existence.

While resting, on vacation, enjoying some down-time, The Key to surviving the effects of domestic abuse wiggled its way from my sub-conscious, from the deep realm of my core, smack-dab into the bright light of consciousness. Its importance hit me like a 2X4.

I woke up (again)!

My Journey into personal growth began 36 years ago: it would be another 23 years before I chose to escape domestic abuse. I was challenged by a life insurance salesman (you never know in what form Lessons will appear!). This guy offended me on a level way beyond the norm. He said he only sells life insurance to those who are Saved…you know, those who accept Jesus as their only savior. His type of offensively belligerent Christianity has always caused my blood pressure to soar. My parents taught the concept of “One God, many paths”. At the point of my life insurance salesman encounter, I was essentially agnostic. The next day I bought a bible and, in a year, read it cover to cover.

Right up front I’m going to say, I still believe “One God, many paths”. I will also say, right up front, my first personal growth DIY program was the bible. I learned that I could not change myself without confidence and Knowing that I am not alone.

Then, in those dark moments, in the throes of emotional abuse, when I drove to a park, sat there in my locked car for an hour … and sobbed … I knew I was not alone and that my life had purpose. When I chose to hide bruises with long sleeve blouses on hot summer days, somehow, I knew I was not alone and that my life had purpose.

Lessons from reading the bible were my first step into personal growth and the process of escaping domestic abuse. Actually leaving was years in the future. The foundation was being set. The seed of Personal Growth was planted and taking root.

My process was slow. I was committed to marriage and I thought my son needed to have his Dad in our home. Now I see I was mistaken. I hadn’t grown enough yet. I still thought it was my Mission to keep my husband between the lines…I believed that if I left “everything” would lose gravity and fly off, in a million pieces, into space. I still thought it was my job to manage his anger, his hurt, his frustration…his life.

Reading and absorbing books like Stop Walking on Eggshells continued my personal growth journey. Listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer, who taught me that when I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change. I knew there were things I couldn’t see by myself, so I invested in a coach. One day she asked me what my pay-off was for being a victim, and I heard her, and I grew. Dr. John Maxwell taught me that we don’t attract who we want, for friends or for partners; we attract who we are. I learned that the only person I am responsible for and the only person I can change is…Me.

What is that process? It’s personal growth. It is changing how I think. It is changing how I feel and choosing to respond to my emotions, rather than re-act. It is exhilarating, exciting, challenging, sometimes difficult and, for me, a slow process. I continued learning. I continued applying my lessons. I stayed open to ideas, suggestions and nudges.

From the perspective of an abuse survivor, here is one of the beautiful things about personal growth: It is all in-side your head!

No one can hear what you’re thinking … just you. No one else can possibly see the new images you’re creating in your mind … just you. While you are growing, thinking, creating new ideas, designing a new life, it’s all in-side your head. Your abuser has no way of knowing how much you are changing, growing, evolving! No fights about it. No put-downs or teasing. No undermining your ideas. All this great stuff that you’re planning is silent. Your abuser can’t take it from you. You are doing in-side work!

Finally, one day, 34 years into my abusive marriage, 23 years after beginning my personal growth path, I was bruised for the last time. All that I had learned joyfully, excitedly, frightfully, erupted. I left abuse for the last time.

Like nearly every woman who has lived in abuse, I had left before. In 34 years, I left 3 times. The fourth was the charm. Why? Because of personal growth. Because I changed the way I looked at things and chose no longer to be a victim. Because I knew my life had purpose. Because I learned that I don’t attract who I want, I attract who I am…so I changed Me.

And, there is The Key: PERSONAL GROWTH.

My recent epiphany is that, even in the realm of domestic abuse, without personal growth, nothing changes. Everything else is treating symptoms … personal growth treats the cause.

It’s been 15 years since I left abuse for the last time: 15 years of continued learning, growing and creating Me. In retrospect I discovered much of my strength was gained from reading, listening without being defensive, and from women sharing their stories of transition from victim to survivors of abuse. In the process of creating the life I love, I eventually began sharing my stories, my experiences, failures and successes, sorrows and joys.

Now, as a mentor and advocate, I am committed to empowering survivors by teaching the importance of personal growth in ending our cycle of victimhood. As women discover and embrace in-side change, empowered mind-sets, the power and passion of creating safe, healthy lives, abuse will no longer be an option.

There “It” was, right in front of me. Personal growth had become such a pillar in my life that I didn’t see its influence, its impact, its power in me excavating Me and ending my cycle of abuse.

There are many symptoms of domestic abuse. Discussing and treating symptoms is necessary.

Discussing and treating the cause WILL end the cycle of abuse.

When women grow and change their in-side thoughts, emotions and actions, we eliminate the patterns that attract abusers. The cycle ends…one woman at a time.