”Should I text him? Just to check on him, of course.”

By Mickie Zada

Doesn’t that thought pop into your mind, especially this time of year: “Should I text him? Just to check on him, of course!”

Oh yeah, we know what the right answer should be.
That we should stay away, keep out of contact and focus on being around those we love during this time of year, but the Holidays…they just seem to make our desires so much stronger!

And if you have kids with your ex…..wooo! Then, the Holidays become even more complicated. That often means carefully managing schedules, in-laws, family get togethers, gifts…

No wonder we are nostalgic and have a desire to re-connect with our abuser when the leaves start to change color, kids are buying costumes, huge turkey pans line the store isles and trees, wreaths, ornaments and wrapping paper are so plentiful they are falling off the shelves!

And even if you don’t take action on it, the feelings, the stress, the emotion…It’s ALL THERE. And it makes you feel uneasy and anxious.

Why is that?

Why is it more difficult during holiday time to maintain our strength of mind, our resolve, our determination, our Knowing…that we were right to leave, that he isn’t a nice guy who loves us…he’s still a mean S.O.B. when he wants to be!

What is it about the holidays that makes it so difficult not to wonder if he’s OK, if he’s going to be lonely, all by himself? There’s that little whisper of thought in our mind, and in our hearts, that excavates the slightest warm feeling toward him during the holidays… and we think about texting, “just to say hello…just to check on him”.

Sound familiar?

The first couple of holidays I was out of abuse, I did call (there was no texting then; Texting is even easier!!) In some part of my brain, I knew I was just lonely, frightened and wistful for happier times. My feet were not firmly on the ground; my heart still ached for what I thought I had, what I imagined the relationship to be. Truthfully? I longed for the fantasy life I had created, that I sold myself and others. A happy life in which my abuser did love and care for me: he didn’t hit and shove and yell nasty words at me.

That’s what I missed, the warm emotional fantasy. Like most survivors of abuse, in my mind I had created a fantasy relationship…same handsome face, same charming smile; none of the violence, anger, danger existed in my fantasy.

That’s what I missed during the holidays.

I had to be really honest with myself to come to that realization…I didn’t miss reality. I was still hooked by the emotional fantasy of a good relationship with my abuser!

Why? Why was that awareness not readily obvious?

Because it was that fantasy that kept me in abuse for so, so many years! I had accepted it as Real because that was the only way I could manage my life….

As I learned more and more about Me, and why I created the fantasy life, how I needed to do that to continue functioning (showing up for work, caring for our son, going about daily Life), how important the imaginary sign in our yard was…you know, the one that read in bold letters “Everything is fine, thank you very much!”:

The more I excavated Me, the less real the fantasy life became.

Once I acknowledged and resolved the reality of my choice to stay in abuse, to take responsibility for his issues, to make his dangerous behavior toward me OK, the less “real” the fantasy had to be in my mind.

It took a while, but I did reach the point that I didn’t have the need to “check on him”, to contact him at all…during the holidays or any other time.

There are emotions no one understands that we survivors of abuse deal with at the holidays. Don’t feel defensive when someone asks “how can you even think about contacting him?!!” or “how can you miss someone who treated you so cruelly??!”

I get it. I know how you’re feeling. And millions of other survivors of abuse get it, too. You are not alone. Find a self-help group of survivors to support your resolve; other women who have escaped abuse understand how you’re feeling.

The fantasy isn’t real. Creating the life you love, living in a safe, healthy environment is Real. You’ve got this!