“It’s Really Important That We Share Our Experience”
By Mickie Zada

It’s really important that we share our experience because of the nature of women who choose a relationship with an abuser. We have a lot in common; the evolution of abuse is so predictable! Yet, each of us thinks we are unique and we shame ourselves into silence…even after we escape.

When we hide, we don’t expose ourselves to the common threads of living in abuse. We don’t realize we’ve experienced a reality that one in four women also live, or have lived.

Every woman I’ve interviewed, and that I’ve coached, expresses a similar story. There are differences, of course, but each story is much the same:

· Abuse begins with control, it’s a crime of control. We want the relationship to be “good” so we don’t rock the boat…we make his controlling antics OK by not calling him on them.

· Abuse gradually escalates; like the frog in hot water, we don’t notice that we’re being cooked.

· When we decide to leave, or even question aloud that our relationship is hurtful and unhealthy, our abuser ups the ante. He becomes more abusive, verbally and/or physically, because he senses a loss of control.

· Each of us tries to improve our relationship, we encourage counseling, we do everything we can think of to make the marriage work.

· And finally, finally!, something happens that catapults us to the reality of our situation. We accept that we can’t change our abuser; he’s not likely to change on his own and he’s not the man we thought we married. He’s a charming chameleon who appears one-way to the outside world and creates hell for us inside the walls of our home.

1 in 4 women live or have lived in a loving relationship that includes abuse. One in four! That is a huge number. Look around at work, at church, while walking through the grocery store. Look left and look right: if the abused person isn’t you…which of those women are existing in their own quiet home of terror?

The other common theme is that we don’t see our reality as it is! I personally didn’t accept for years that I was an abused wife.

I know to those of you who have never experienced the reality of abuse, that fact sounds implausible. How is it possible to live in fear and not realize my plight? I made excuses for my husband’s behavior and that made it easier not accepting that I was an abused wife. I thought I was the only one who lived, frightened, behind the veil of our home’s walls. If I was “really” an abused wife, someone would notice, right? Someone would make a comment or come to help?

This sounds nuts, even to me now…I watched a movie about an abusive relationship and allowed the thought to cross my mind: “Oh My Gosh! I know how that woman feels…I know in my gut the familiar fear and frustration of being yelled at, being threatened, being tossed around.” Even then, I didn’t leave. My choice was to believe he would change; that when he apologized, he meant it.

That’s what we do. It’s what we do!

Bottom line? If you are an abuse survivor, share your story. Don’t keep it bottled inside. You are strong, and you have a valuable experience to share. We all know that the most dangerous time in our lives is when we decide, and take action, to leave. Our abuser knows he’s lost control. That’s when we are most vulnerable. That’s when he’s most dangerous. Be careful. Have a plan. Gather support. And, when you’re able, share your experience with other women. You are unique.

You also lived the same pattern as 1 in 4 women. Talking about our experience let’s other women know they are not alone in the warped reality they’ve created. It’s common! 1 in 4!!!

It’s Really Important That We Share Our Experience!