It’s One of the Most Common Questions
Asked by Abused Women
By Mickie Zada
If you are the 1 in 4 woman who has lived in domestic abuse, this story, its question, its social conditioning will resonate with you.
It seems like 99.9% of women has posted #Metoo. The other .01% must be women who chose not to work outside the home…and had very little interaction with the outside world. Like most women past 50, thick skin and a laugh-it-off attitude kept me from speaking up…that and wanting to be hired or not lose my job! Inappropriate questions and comments were, and apparently still are, pretty much the norm.
I didn’t think I was being sexually discriminated against when in 1969 during a job interview I was asked “You are childbearing age. Will you leave the firm if you get pregnant?” or when the doctor I worked for a few years later said “I like that uniform. It makes your butt look real cute. (smile, smile)”
Part of the reason those workplace comments rolled off me like water off a duck is because at home I was struggling to keep bruises hidden under long sleeves or sweaters, to keep one foot in front of the other, wading through the quagmire of those early abusive years and to show up at work without crying, without allowing my Truth to be exposed. Inappropriate comments were easily dismissed. No big deal. I was dealing with a bigger monster.
At the time, I didn’t realize they were part of the same social conditioning.
The workplace environment, which at that time was accepted as normal, and the verbal and financial abuse I was dealing with at home (nothing physical yet, then) created a belief, a feeling, in me that can only be described as “not quite good enough”. Maybe “not equal”. For sure “Men. They have the power!” It was the late ’60s and early ’70s. I don’t recall women speaking out about unwelcome comments or actions. I’m sure women were being sexually molested at work, but I don’t remember hearing about charges being filed. Thank God, that has changed!
I Didn’t Realize I Was Abused
Maybe files were being charged back then and I was too busy trying to make my marriage work to notice. I was memorizing what not to say. I was figuring out how to identify the mood he was in when he walked in the door. I was cancelling shopping trips and lunch with friends because I had no money to spend and it was always a fight when I wanted to spend time with anyone but him. I was reading books about how to help my husband not be so angry…at me and the world.
Eventually I attempted to learn what to do to avoid his fury and being bruised, how to escape when I felt “that” mood developing.
The shocking thing is: For many years, I did not realize I was an abused spouse.
And, that’s the fact stated by nearly every abused woman who finally escapes. “I didn’t realize I was abused.”
Often, women who have escaped their abusers ask “Was I really abused?”. It seems like a strange question when their lives in hell included bruises, threats, guns and knives, 2X4s, flying dishes and holes in the walls.
Did I Allow the Abuse?
It’s common for women living in abuse to say and believe: “It’s not his fault. He’s emotionally unstable right now, but I can help.” “I’m investigating meds that will help level his anger and distress”. “I knew better than to say (or do) that. It always makes him furious”. “If I could only…”.
Those of us who choose (chose!!) abusive partners are big hearted women. We are problem solvers and enablers. We (used to) believe it was our responsibility to make everything OK for everyone.
Ann Landers is famous for saying “No one can take advantage of us without our permission.” We teach people how to treat us.
And, I think, therein lies the conundrum.
We make excuses for the controlling behavior early in our damaging relationship.
“He’s better with money than I am, so he handles our finances”; we leave out the fact that we have to beg for gas money or that no wrath is spared when more is spent on groceries than he thinks is necessary.
“No, I can’t meet you for dinner. I have a church thing to go to”; we don’t say “I only spend time with my husband now, going out with friends is not worth the fight”.
Soon, excuses seem natural and we believe them…somehow, we accept living under control as normal.
Did we participate in creating our situation by teaching our abuser his behavior was OK?…we were trying to help him. We were saving our marriage. We were protecting ourselves.
The physical and financial control grew. We made excuses and learned not to object (“it’s not worth the fight”). Eventually, for most of us, physical abuse slides into the mix.
Don’t Talk About It
We had been married about 5 years the first time I was bruised. I was asked by his Mother to ask him to be a pall bearer for his Aunt. We were at his parent’s home; surely, they heard the argument escalate. I came out of the back room to say he didn’t want to be a pall bearer. The next day I wore short sleeves so that his finger mark bruises on my arms were obvious.
No one said a thing.
The message was clear. Don’t talk about his physical violence… do not talk about living with an abuser. Don’t embarrass him or his family.
I made more and more excuses for him… and the abuse escalated, became “normal”.
I loved him. I knew I could make it better, I could save the marriage. I just had to try harder.
For over 30 years that was my mind-set. I did not believe I was an abused spouse. I was a dedicated wife. I believed in my marriage vow.
He never held a gun to my head or a knife to my throat. He’d never broken a bone or beat me. I’d never been hospitalized, or even had a black eye.
Who would believe me if I left? … our marriage looked solid and happy from the outside.
How could I leave?
Our bank accounts were joint, but he controlled the money. I’d never lived alone; had no confidence I could survive. I knew that violence escalates when the victim decides to leave the relationship. How much more could I take?
That was my thought process. Until…. The final straw.
I Left…but still wondered “Was I really abused?”
It still took several months to create and implement a plan. But, I left and I did not return. I embraced personal growth and created dramatic in-side change. I began creating a safe and healthy life that I love.
The first few years after leaving, while working my personal growth program, I wondered, “was I really abused?”
That is the most commonly asked question by woman who escape dangerous relationships. It’s normal for us to question ourselves.
We spent so much time making excuses, believing we could help our partners, thinking that our love would positively affect his attitude and anger… if I was abused, why did I stay so long, why did I allow the escalation from control to verbal to physical abuse?
Was I really abused?
Domestic abuse follows a cycle. It’s uncanny how similar our experiences are. Whether you have an 8th grade education or a doctorate from Harvard; the cycle, the experience, the questions are the same.
You already know you were abused, but validation, proof, sometimes help us stay committed to our recovery, to our growth, to becoming ourselves. I’ve created a list that you can download. Highlight the statements that resonate with you, the ones you lived. I used a red pen to circle the ones that still make me furious.
Download the list at www.survivingabusenetwork.com. It can’t hurt and it may help!
“Was I really abused?” Yes! You were.
Congratulations on leaving and creating the life you are meant to live!
