“Are You Afraid of Flying?”

By Mickie Zada

Statistics say that 20 Million people are afraid of flying: 6.5% of the population suffers from aviophobia. Those are individuals who, apparently, are treated for aviophobia. Another statistic says 25% of people are uncomfortable (just a little bit afraid) of flying. That’s a lot!

Google has not provided the statistic I’m really looking for. It’s the answer to the question “What percentage of people are afraid of change?” I equate change with flying. One of my favorite mind-sets when I undertake something new is “I’m jumping off a cliff…I’ll either land safely somewhere else or fly!”

Growing up, my family moved a lot. I attended 3 different high schools, more grade schools than I care to count. I went to three different 3rd grades…in 2 different States. Statistically, I should not like change, and certainly be afraid to fly into it!

My Dad was an engineer, his job was titled Trouble Shooter. He was sent to plants within his company that were not meeting quotas; he fixed the problem and was transferred to a new assignment, usually in a different State. Mom enthusiastically packed up all 5, and eventually 7 of us kids and off we went. Moving was presented as a new adventure. Mom made it fun.

As an adult who has moved many times (with only one child!), I suspect it was NO fun for her! But, attitude is a choice, right? Because of Mom, each of her kids embraces change as a new Journey, not something to be feared. We learned skills required to be the New Kids. None of us is afraid to walk into a room of strangers, to accept new assignments … and none of us is afraid to fly (in planes or metaphorically)!

I suspect the percentage of people who are afraid to fly in airplanes is lower than the percentage who fear change…flying into safe new lifestyles, for example. There is a lot written about dealing with change, but no statistics that I found about the percentage of people who are afraid to change.

Those of us who chose abusers as domestic partners are described as even more resistant to change. The theory is that we humans are more comfortable in a bad situation than we are jumping into the unknown. I’ve read that abused children would rather return to abusive parents than be placed in a loving, caring foster home. Why? Because they Know how to deal with the abuse. I think we adult survivors of abuse are the same.

Apparently, we choose to believe “he didn’t mean to do that”, “but, he really loves me”, “I should not have said that…”, “he’ll change”, “I can’t make it on my own”.

Head-games! We survivors of domestic abuse are fantastic head-game players.

Even after we’ve left the abusive situation, as long as we hold on to the head-games, we’ll continue to embrace our fear of flying.

People often prefer to remain mired in misery (victimhood) than to head toward an unknown, a healthy state of mind, a safe lifestyle. To overcome inertia requires a sense of safety as well as an inspiring vision.

I think the inspiring Vision comes before the sense of safety. You are out now, no longer living in abuse. Create, in your mind, a very clear image of your new life, the destination you are flying into. Create your new lifestyle so clearly in your mind that it becomes Real. Feel it. Know that it’s There.

You are “out” now. Yes, that can be a frightening place to be, I know. Most of us have never relied on ourselves…alone. I never had! I married my abuser right out of high school…from my parent’s home to his. When I was ready to leave, I was 53 and had never lived alone! When I left, I walked away from my abuser AND a business I had helped create. I walked away from my income and I had no access to money, no bank account.

Had I not created my new reality in my mind, I’d have gone back, many times. Living alone didn’t go exactly as I planned. Financially I was a mess because I’d been a self-employed entrepreneur for so many years. In the beginning I thought the business expertise was all my husband’s. I discovered I was wrong!

I struggled, just like you have. I thought I was on the verge of financial ruin, but I pulled it off! Our son encouraged me to return to his Dad, because “he had changed”. I knew better, this time. I was done with the head-games.

How did I stay on track, Knowing this time I was not going back to my ex and not choosing another controlling abuser? My new reality, my new lifestyle, was firmly planted in my mind. It felt real. I finally believed I deserved to live in a healthy, safe environment. I believed that to my core…because of the in-side work I had done.

If you are feeling like your feet are not yet on solid ground in your new life, I encourage you today to create your future (which could be this afternoon or this evening) in your mind.

· How can you make different choices?

· Are there options have you not considered taking before right this minute?

· What have you learned that has not yet been applied?

· When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Keep your eyes open!

When you’ve created your new lifestyle in your mind’s eye, you’ll gain a sense of safety there. It will feel real, because it will be real. Not everything will go exactly as you plan; most of it will!

The thing I discovered when I began creating my new lifestyle in my mind was that my attitude toward my abuser changed. I was no longer the Victim, I morphed into a Survivor.

Find support for your new life. Join a group of survivors, hire a coach, find an accountability partner, who may be another domestic abuse survivor.

Here you go! You’ve got this; you are flying!!